Backpack from Santa

I asked Santa Claus for a backpack. After conducting some online research, I sent Santa an email, attaching a Christmas Wish List with the link to a possible backpack. I cautioned Santa on making a purchase before I was sized and fitted, so I was not surprised when, on Christmas morning, I found an I owe you stuffed in my stocking. With Santa’s go-ahead, I locomoted to REI, my favorite all-purpose sports cooperative, to make a Christmas purchase. I brought my friend Serena along with me to provide company and a second-opinion.

Upon walking into REI, Serena and I were immediately distracted, Serena, by the bikes on the left and I, by the headlamps on the right (not because I needed one, since Chelsey gave me, along with the rest of her male friends, a headlamp for Christmas). Finding humor in our promenade across the REI floor, Keith, a floor assistant, immediately took a liking to us and asked how he could be of assistance. I immediately became enamored of Keith because of his graspable extremities; his handle bars were the perfect complement to Serena’s bike.

Wyatt Earp proved knowledgeable in the backpacking arena and I was soon testing the REI Passage 65 Pack. He talked me through every feature, we filled it with sandbags, I harnessed up, and started trekking the REI floorspace. This provided Handle Bars McGhee uninterrupted time to showcase some additional gear I might be interested in purchasing. At the top of this list was his favorite pair of underwear. So cool that he relayed the story of a guy who used just one pair for an entire three months in Iraq. (Not so cool).

Instead of hearing other riveting testimonials, I decided I should address my lifetime REI benefits package. You see, here’s the thing. About five years prior, I was persuaded by the cashier to spend the $20 to become a lifetime member, which allowed me to reap dividends (literally) in the form of a 10% refund distributed on items purchased. Well, five years into my lifetime membership, I was still using my temporary membership card and, more importantly, had not ever received a dividend. No problem Whiskers tells me. We walk over to the computer to pull up my account information. After verifying address and phone number, he asks, is your last name Garin. Of course not. Could this really be the reason REI has been withholding my annual dividends? After correcting my last name, I was informed that my account information had been successfully updated in the system. No longer would I fail to receive my rightful dividends.

I thanked ‘Tache Twister for his assistance, and went about the store to add a few other items to my cart in the hopes that Santa might be generous enough to pick up the tab for the entire excursion. I went to check out, feeling that freedom was mine, and paid for everything. As I turned to leave the store, the cashier reviled me. Thank you for shopping at REI Mr. Garin.