Tinsel Teeth and Metal Mouth

I have come to the realization that I have hit my quarter-life crisis. I’ve done some research and found three symptoms that resonate.

1. Life crises often result in an impulsive purchase. Often this comes mid-life in the form of a Harley or a Porshe Boxster. My quarter-life crisis purchase: Braces. Yes, braces. No, not Invisalign. Braces.

2. Characterized by nostalgia for university life after entering the real world. I guess for me, I’m more nostalgic for middle school life, but school nonetheless. Braces are not a novel accessory for me. I first sported the fashionable metal brackets as a pubescent middle schooler. At the time, I thought my social capital would unravel. Now, I’m confident these braces have the potential to take me to new social heights!

3. Insecurity regarding the fact that all of one’s actions are meaningless. What is it you do? [enter chirping crickets]. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was known as the dude who lives with an Obama speechwriter. Well, with my new grillz, I will finally be known for something! I’ll no longer need to ride the coattails of my friends; I’ll now be known as that dude with braces.

A few questions:

A. Can braces set off the metal detector at the airport? No. The lightweight material used in braces won’t trigger the alarm.

B. Will my braces increase my chance of being struck by lightning? No. The odds in the US in any given year will still be one in 700,000.

C. Can my braces get locked with other braces? Yes. On second thought, I can’t think of a single legal situation where this problem might arise…

Life's Lemons

I was recently invited to a friend’s house for dinner. After they graciously prepared the meal, I thought it would be polite of me to offer to wash the dishes. Unbeknownst to me, one of the glasses in the sink was cracked and I ended up with a sizable incision. Months later, my finger still has a permanent battle wound.

More recently, as I was leaving my friends’ apartment, they asked if I would be so kind as to take out their trash. Sure, not a problem right? Wrong. When I went to throw the trash down the chute, the bag got jammed and so I gave it a helping nudge. What my friends failed to mention was that there was a broken glass bottle in the trashbag. I figured this out when it punctured one of my fingers.

Having now gone 0-2 in my battle with glass, I’ve done some root cause analysis and determined that it all stems from my deep sense of benevolence. So to combat such future lacerations and abrasions, I’m no longer lending an injured hand. Brian, will you please pass me the butter? No. Brian, I think it’s your turn to take out the recycling. No. I’m practicing altruistic abstinence.

Lesson learned: When life throws you lemons, make sure not to wash them or throw them in the trash.

Surprise!

In my attempt to look and act like a young professional, I’ve been living in an apartment complex known as the Meridian. (In reality it’s a front for people who are still in college. I roam the halls in my pajamas, go visit my college friends down the hall…the only difference is that instead of a Resident Advisor giving a Violation of the Standards of Conduct, the concierge calls the police.) To date, I’ve had a pleasant stay at the Meridian, or the Mer-palace as I sometimes call it, but I, along with my Mer-friends, have come to find humor in the Mer-management follies. The Mer-management has kept us on our toes with surprise after surprise.

First Folly: The other day, our apartment was informed that we received a noise complaint from our neighbors. Instead of coming to inform us immediately, mer-management came the following day. However, if the concierge had come to visit us at the time of the complaint, he would have realized that nobody was home. You’re in trouble. Surprise.

Second-guess: Recently, the Meridian has been institutionalizing widespread paint reform throughout the building. In an attempt to inform the residents of the painting, mer-management hangs a Wet Paint sign. Where is this sign placed? In the elevator. So which floor is it that got painted? Oh, it’s a surprise.

Third Time’s the Charm?: Our friends recently placed a maintenance request because their dishwasher was failing to properly perform its primary function. They returned to the apartment after a day of work to find a (a) the maintenance had been completed and (b) their dishwasher still didn’t work. Instead, the maintenance slip read “Your dishwasher works good. Try using a different soap.” On our website, we say customer service is our top priority...but we are only kidding. Surprise!