Get Your Garv-on

A few years ago, my always-clever friends Chelsey and Bowman thought it would be nothing short of dexterous to rearrange the letters in my name, hence Brain Garvon. In an attempt to spread the good news, they promptly turned to Facebook, and consequently, the birth of my alter ego was delivered to the masses.

Well, the other month, Brain received a friend request on Facebook from what I thought would be a nudnik named Brenda Garvon. Boy, was I quick to judge. She recently sent Brain a Facebook message and that conversation has been anything but a bore.

Subject: are we related?

Brenda: do you have Polish relatives in Michigan?

[My initial thoughts: What about Brain’s profile gives you any indication that he’s a real person? The fact that his favorite quotation is Don’t be stupid, have a BRAIN, get your GARV-ON? Or was it the groups he’s subscribed to, such as I Have total cognizance of every synapse in my cerebral cortex or Pinky and the Brain’s World Domination Club? Or perhaps the fact that Brain is head (literally) over heels for and married to Sarah Bellum?...on second thought, shouldn’t the red flag have gone up with a name like Brain…but being the bigger person in this situation, or at least the more intelligent, I thought I would acquiesce.]

Brain: I was wondering the same thing? You're in Michigan, I see. I've never been to Michigan and don't know if I have any relatives there, unless Aunt Dot and Uncle Joe moved to Michigan (but I think they moved to Pennsylvania to a retirement center where they spend time dancing the polka). I am Polish, love pierogies, but don't know the Polka. So I guess this is inconclusive. We may or may not be related.

Brenda: I’m sure we were related in Poland because the name was Gawron and when Stanislaus got here with his wife and his daughter Annie, he changed it to Garvon. Other people changed it to Garvin but we are cooler.

Brain: We’re definitely cooler than the Garvins! I've heard of the Gavrons. Do you think we're related to them too? So many variations. Do you have any Thanksgiving traditions? We always eat kielbasa with our Thanksgiving dinner.

Brenda: I never met any Gavrons, but I bet we are related to them too. At thanksgiving, we just eat a lot of everything. Does your family eat pickled bologna and pickled everything else? Who are your parents and grandparents?

Brain: YES! We LOVE pickled everything! My parents are Rufin and Alina. Have you heard of either of them? I don't think they've been to Michigan either. Also, when did Stanislaus come to America?

Brenda: I think he came through Ellis Island around 1913 but not sure. I'll ask my dad if he knows Rufin and Alina.

I can’t be 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure this is what Chelsey and Bowman meant when they told me to get my GARV-ON. I mean, who does Brenda think she is? Apparently, my relative.