Tinsel Teeth and Metal Mouth

I have come to the realization that I have hit my quarter-life crisis. I’ve done some research and found three symptoms that resonate.

1. Life crises often result in an impulsive purchase. Often this comes mid-life in the form of a Harley or a Porshe Boxster. My quarter-life crisis purchase: Braces. Yes, braces. No, not Invisalign. Braces.

2. Characterized by nostalgia for university life after entering the real world. I guess for me, I’m more nostalgic for middle school life, but school nonetheless. Braces are not a novel accessory for me. I first sported the fashionable metal brackets as a pubescent middle schooler. At the time, I thought my social capital would unravel. Now, I’m confident these braces have the potential to take me to new social heights!

3. Insecurity regarding the fact that all of one’s actions are meaningless. What is it you do? [enter chirping crickets]. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was known as the dude who lives with an Obama speechwriter. Well, with my new grillz, I will finally be known for something! I’ll no longer need to ride the coattails of my friends; I’ll now be known as that dude with braces.

A few questions:

A. Can braces set off the metal detector at the airport? No. The lightweight material used in braces won’t trigger the alarm.

B. Will my braces increase my chance of being struck by lightning? No. The odds in the US in any given year will still be one in 700,000.

C. Can my braces get locked with other braces? Yes. On second thought, I can’t think of a single legal situation where this problem might arise…

Life's Lemons

I was recently invited to a friend’s house for dinner. After they graciously prepared the meal, I thought it would be polite of me to offer to wash the dishes. Unbeknownst to me, one of the glasses in the sink was cracked and I ended up with a sizable incision. Months later, my finger still has a permanent battle wound.

More recently, as I was leaving my friends’ apartment, they asked if I would be so kind as to take out their trash. Sure, not a problem right? Wrong. When I went to throw the trash down the chute, the bag got jammed and so I gave it a helping nudge. What my friends failed to mention was that there was a broken glass bottle in the trashbag. I figured this out when it punctured one of my fingers.

Having now gone 0-2 in my battle with glass, I’ve done some root cause analysis and determined that it all stems from my deep sense of benevolence. So to combat such future lacerations and abrasions, I’m no longer lending an injured hand. Brian, will you please pass me the butter? No. Brian, I think it’s your turn to take out the recycling. No. I’m practicing altruistic abstinence.

Lesson learned: When life throws you lemons, make sure not to wash them or throw them in the trash.

Surprise!

In my attempt to look and act like a young professional, I’ve been living in an apartment complex known as the Meridian. (In reality it’s a front for people who are still in college. I roam the halls in my pajamas, go visit my college friends down the hall…the only difference is that instead of a Resident Advisor giving a Violation of the Standards of Conduct, the concierge calls the police.) To date, I’ve had a pleasant stay at the Meridian, or the Mer-palace as I sometimes call it, but I, along with my Mer-friends, have come to find humor in the Mer-management follies. The Mer-management has kept us on our toes with surprise after surprise.

First Folly: The other day, our apartment was informed that we received a noise complaint from our neighbors. Instead of coming to inform us immediately, mer-management came the following day. However, if the concierge had come to visit us at the time of the complaint, he would have realized that nobody was home. You’re in trouble. Surprise.

Second-guess: Recently, the Meridian has been institutionalizing widespread paint reform throughout the building. In an attempt to inform the residents of the painting, mer-management hangs a Wet Paint sign. Where is this sign placed? In the elevator. So which floor is it that got painted? Oh, it’s a surprise.

Third Time’s the Charm?: Our friends recently placed a maintenance request because their dishwasher was failing to properly perform its primary function. They returned to the apartment after a day of work to find a (a) the maintenance had been completed and (b) their dishwasher still didn’t work. Instead, the maintenance slip read “Your dishwasher works good. Try using a different soap.” On our website, we say customer service is our top priority...but we are only kidding. Surprise!

Imma Let You Finish that 10 Miler

I recently took a step up from running the standard 5k to a more taxing 10k. The 10k, known as the Lawyers Have a Heart (aptly named? Bringing out the competitive nature of the DC law community – the race pits summer interns against paralegals in a fight to demonstrate who has the stronger cardiovascular system), was a complete culture shock. This weekend, I’m taking it to the next level and am running in the Army 10 Miler. In an attempt to better assimilate with the running crowd, I’m taking some extra precautions for the 10 Miler.

Lessons learned from the Lawyers Have a Heart 10k:

1. Custom: Apparently it is customary to be well hydrated before the race. It’s blasphemous to not use the public restroom facilities to demonstrate having properly over-hydrated. The line wrapped around the entire Georgetown waterfront and was literally thousands of lawyers long. Faux pas: No matter how much I wanted to participate in the camaraderie, I couldn’t bring myself to stand in line. Or maybe I just got stage fright. Corrective Action: I plan to purchase a 7-Eleven Big Gulp on my way to the race.

2. Custom: Most races are designed such that there comes a time when the frontrunners are heading inbound past the stragglers still headed outbound. At this point, it is tradition to audibly acknowledge their superiority while they speed past with no regard for these cat calls. Word choice is at the discretion of the runner. For example, the lady next to me simply yelled “Lady” every time a female passed. I’ve decided she was either sexist or keeping track of her position in the race, which couldn’t be good if she was running next to me. In summary, you’re either a frontrunner and silent or your slow and heckle. Faux pas: I picked slow and silent; mixing and matching is not permitted. Corrective Action: When I’m on the running trail, I’ve been practicing by cat calling and grunting to fellow runners as they approach. Based on their posturing, I don’t think they appreciate it.

Knowing my fortune, I’ll probably show up to the Army 10 Miler having mastered the culture of the 10K and find myself awash in a transoceanic culture, in which case, I hope at least someone will throw me a paddle.

Roller Coasters and Rattletraps

My friend Ellen has an obsession with Kings Dominion, an amusement park approximately 90 miles south of Washington. I also love amusement parks, and having fruitlessly tried to cajole my friends into going in on $10 Six Flags tickets, I was excited to have a partner in crime. Luckily for me, my employer graciously rented out the park two days before her birthday.

As the day approached, Ellen and I began acting like kids in a candy shop, GEICOed out with our googly eyes, preparing for our peregrination. I had asked Ellen to do some reconnaissance and map out a course across the park so we could optimize our efficiency.

We were some of the first to arrive at the park, and successfully navigated the labyrinth of Kings Dominion by lunchtime. I quickly ranked my roller coaster preference and cut from afternoon-contention all three wooden coasters. The verbs roll and coast do not appropriately describe the jerky travail and tribulation of these rattletraps.

After a hearty all-you-can-eat buffet, we decided to ride the ferris wheel before trying our luck on a stomach-turner. Apparently, great minds think alike, so avoiding the long line for the wheel, we tried our luck on the carousel. I tried to mask my identity while waiting in line, so nobody from my office would recognize me and question why a group of mature young professionals were riding the merry-go-round. Although the carousel can be far more aggressive than I thought, spotting a boy who thought he was riding a bucking bronco vice a character from My Little Pony.

Having overexerted ourselves in the park, we made our way home all tuckered out. I guess I’m officially an amusement park highbrow. Getting to ride the same roller coaster twice in a row because there is nobody in line? Don’t mind if I do.

Hipsters at the Hirshhorn

The other evening I received a last minute email from a friend who happened to have an extra ticket to the Smithsonian’s Hirshhorn Museum After Hours. Deciding to be spontaneous, I took her up on the offer to explore the cultured nightlife of DC. The After Hours event allows you to enjoy jazz in the sculpture gardens and explore a rotation of exhibitions, currently a Strange Bodies exhibit.

Once I successfully navigated the arduous entrance process, and passing for a Whitney Kenerly, my adopted identity from the extra ticket, I was able to take in the scene. The crowd was entirely hipster; I imagined everyone there as young, recently-settled urban middle-classers or older teenagers interested in non-mainstream fashion and culture. Girls in spandex, guys in vests. I felt compelled to go home and immediately subscribe to Clash and peruse the Pitchfork Media website. Which of these is not like the other? This guy in his pastel polo and khaki shorts.

Known for its figurative art, the Hirshhorn was presenting the rotating exhibit, Strange Bodies, and attempted to show how expressionistic and surrealistic impulses toward human representation have evolved in recent decades. I must admit that I was equally entertained by both the art and the overheard hipster analysis and interpretation of the art’s deeper meaning.

Something I couldn’t help but notice throughout the evening was that our group seemed to, at all times, have a 10 foot buffer from other patrons. And it wasn’t like we were exuding a skunk-scented haze. By the end of the evening, I was starting to believe that I was no longer looking at the Strange Body exhibit, but in fact, was the Strange Body exhibit.

Elephant Seals and Uphill Climbs

Vacation is often thought of as a good way to rejuvenate and energize the soul; an effective way to escape the mundane routine of reality. So I was literally jumping out of my seat the afternoon of July 9^th when the start of my vacation set in. California here I come. The vacation consisted of a reunion of college friends. We started our trip in San Francisco and worked our way down the Pacific Coast before flying back out of Los Angeles.

My only previous trip to California was to Anaheim to visit Disney Land. I was there in January of 1994 during the Northridge earthquake, which happened to be one of the highest instrumentally recorded in an urban area in North America. The hotel bathtub rattled my then-showering mother to the ground, my father’s scalding coffee pouring over his copy of the Los Angeles Times, while my bed marched with the furniture from one side of the hotel room to the other, or so I am told. I don’t remember because I slept peacefully through it all, probably dreaming of Thunder Mountain.

Having returned to the east coast donning cargo shorts, and adopting a diet of avocado and grilled fruit, I can officially say I’ve gone granola.

I’ve used my consulting skills to bucket my California memories into the following four H’s:

Housing: Our trip was founded on a number of pillars, the most important one was frugality. As such, I rented the cheapest hotel I could find in San Francisco, the Hayes Valley Inn. It was marketed as a European hotel. European hotel is defined as one in which you share a common WC with all parties on a given hall. I’ve never heard of a better way to get to know strangers. This was clearly overshadowed by our stay in Carmel. Having called every campground in the yellow pages and been informed that there were no places to pitch a tent west of the Rocky’s, our creative minds led us to call an RV park listed in our TomTom. As it turns out, they had an abundance of camping sites available, no need to reserve them because they would certainly not fill up. That should have been the first clue. The second clue was when the wiry groundskeeper had me sign a waiver indicating we would not feed the bobcats or mountain lions. But with no other options, we pitched our tent and settled in for a comfortable sleep. Comfortable minus the incessant rustling sound, whose origins I could not place as coming from one of my fellow campmates or from an adventurous external visitor.

Hiking: In an attempt to move our muscles and take in some salubrious air, we tried to explore the outdoors. I somehow always ended up as the navigator. Which I would suspect to be a relatively easy task – simply following a trail, how hard could it be? Apparently not my strongest skill. We would arrive at a decision point. I would ask “Do we want to go straight or left?” The group would reply “We want to go right.” Oh. Okay.

Hollywood: I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the atmosphere in Los Angeles. Aside from the traffic, I think I would be able to live there. Actually, I would posit that if Los Angeles built a public transportation network, the decreased emissions would be enough to reverse the melting trends of the polar ice cap. But that’s beside the point. Hollywood presented the group with countless forms of entertainment. We made sure to hit up all of the tourist essentials, and even got a picture next to the Michael Jackson star. We saw the new Harry Potter movie at the famous Grauman Chinese Theater. And immediately afterward, we took a picture with our hands in the hand and wand prints of Daniel Radcliff, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint. Appropriately timed with my arrival back to the East Coast was a news article that declared the Grauman Theater as one of the world’s top five germiest tourist attraction. So when I die of the swine flu, we’ll all know why.

Highlight: Although I’ve been debating this for a while, the highlights of the trip were the seals. I didn’t realize California’s obsession with seals, but it seems that they had a presence in every coastal city. While in Santa Barbara, we went kayaking with the seals, where I nearly soiled myself with excitement. One of their favorite games to play is King of the Mountain in which the seals in the water try to jump on top of the seals resting on the lone buoy in the ocean. The futility of the seals in the water is almost endearing as they waste countless sums of energy trying to leap on top of their beached brothers, only to be nudged back into the water five minutes later. If I were a seal, I would certainly (a) wake up earlier and ensure my royal spot on the buoy, or (b) bag the buoy all together and just go lay out on the beach. But my favorite variety of seal was the elephant seal. These massive tubs of lard would worm their way out of the ocean and try to spoon with some of the other beached elephant seals. Once comfortably situated, they would use their flippers to flip sand onto their backs, perhaps in an attempt to blend in with their surroundings? The only drawback I see to being an elephant seal is that they have pretty low self-esteem. After all, they are named after another animal, the elephant. The only place in all of California I didn’t see a seal was at Seal Beach...which I believe is false advertising.